LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND

If there's anything true about life, it's the fact that nobody can move forward while looking backwards.

Regardless of whatever our domain or specialty in life, moving forward brings about satisfaction to the human race.

Contrary to what you might have seen, heard or experience, marriage is a beautiful thing. It is even more beautiful if it enjoys an upwardly mobile motion.

In so many marriages, individuals come together with so much baggage and weight that it pulls down on their relationships with their spouses. Too often we hold on to the wrong things and we end up holding back the opportunity to enjoy a blissful relationship.

One of the major principles of marriage as stated in the book of Creation (Genesis 2:24) is the" Leave and Cleave "principle.

Many marriages are going downhill because one or both couples have failed to "Leave" and and wandering why they can't " Cleave".

There's so much to leave behind, if you want your marriage to enjoy that much desired upward motion.

1. YOUR PAST: There no doubt that everyone including myself has a past that we are not too proud of, but failure to let go can be catastrophic. Your past existed for a reason, it tells a story of where you are coming from, but it cannot define who you are unless you let it. Recognize where you are now especially as it relates to your marriages, and live in the now.

Whether it was an event, something that happened to you or someone you know, in your past, as long as it stands in the way of letting your marriage be all that it can be, leave it all behind

I once heard the story of a newly married lady who could not let go of her single days, habit and friends. She barely cooked @ home for her new husband, she was more interested in visiting the movies, buying take outs and partying.

While there's nothing wrong in wanting to relax and entertain yourself once in a while, this young lady failed to understand, and accept her new role and life as a wife.

Don't get stuck in your past, because you'll be dragging your partner and marriage @ large back.

2. YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY:
Don't get me wrong on this. I'm not asking that you alienate yourself from your loved ones, I'm asking that you know where to draw the line. Your parents marriage and that of your friends are different from yours- it's important you know this.

Your number one loyalty should be to your spouse and you should flee from anyone who seeks to contest that . Now that your married, live your married live in that consciousness

3. PAST ISSUES: One of the things I used to do very early in my marriage was to constantly refer to my husband's past failures. While that made be win the battle, little did I know that I was loosing the war on my marriage. Your spouse will most certainly hurt you, and not only must you be quick to forgive, you must forget it, let it go, and try not to make further references to it. No matter how tempting it may seem.

Living in the past hinders growth, brings about regrets, stagnation and lots of heart ache. Don't dwell on it, learn from it and move on

Eyitemi The HomeBuilder

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THE JOURNEY'S MAP

The journey of a thousand miles, they say starts with a step, but this step is not readily taken when you don't know which direction you are headed
Your marriage with your spouse is a journey you have both chosen to embark on ;and like every other journey, you're bound to arrive @ a cross road .It's called a cross road because you're faced with so many options and you need to decide upon which path to tread.
A cross road is very normal but what wears most people out is the uncertainty associated with the path you decide to take. In marriage to be specific, you enter into a cross road when challenges arise and you're trying to figure out a solution.
It's even more overwhelming when you are burdened with the responsibility of making these decisions alone- which is what happens in so many unions
Marriage is a walk of togetherness and when you arrive at these cross roads, you need to be able to decide together as a single unit on how to proceed. Because marriageis not one person's responsibility, attempting to carry it all by yourself will wear you out quickly.

By now I know you're asking "what if your partner is not as willing"? I'll say that is another cross- road, and you'll need to turn to someone bigger for partnership- God. Whether you're together or alone, once you encounter situations beyond your capabilities, turn to the cross.
Based on my conversation with a lot of women, it feels as though most of them are in the marriage walk alone. ( @ least that's how they feel) especially when the cross road is their spouse. Whether you feel as if you're the only one interested in making you marriage work, or you feel like your husband no longer loves you as he used to, let me assure youthat you're never alone. Don't blindly select a course of action without being certainbecause the outcome might be disastrous.. "How can you be certain" you might ask
Incase you've forgotten, let me remind you that God is the curator of marriage and if you're ever unsure on which path to take on your cross-road, turn to him because He alone has the MAP.

You don't have the MAP, Hollywood does not have the MAP your family and friends do not have the MAP, but God does. There's nothing happening to you or in you marriage that has not happened to another; yet they came out as winners. So encourage yourself wives, turn to God in prayers and trust him to lead you in the best path- as a matter of fact, he is more that willing to walk down the path with you if you would allow him.

During my quiet time this morning, I was reminded of Roman 12:2 "do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind......"don't try to do things using your own strength or wisdom, because in most cases it only worsens the situation. There's a God way to doing things and that way is God's MAP/BLUE-PRINT for our marriage.

It might sound akage but In God's MAP( word) he has provided directions on how to deal with certain cross roads. If the challenge is with your husband, permit me to say from experience that force, nagging or crying will not necessarily change the situation.

The book of 1Peter 3:1-2 explains that if there's a change you want to see in your husband or marriage, then that change has to start with you. Only then can you model that change for your husband to observe and be influenced.
Pay back does not do any good in marriage, it only further destroys it. If there's something you want to see, be that change, and be patient for the holyspirit to work.

There's a solution to every problem. Cross Roads are meant to be conquered but you need the right disposition and God MAP. Don't take any other MAP provided by the movies, your cosmopolitan magazine, or the social network because not only will you be going in the wrong direction, you might get lost without the option of a do over.

Please note that in the case of an abuse, it's best to get to safety first while working on a resolution.

Eyitemi The HomeBuilder

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Twitter:@homebuilders012

Blog:www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com

LOVE , LIKE & THE TRUTH

Reading through an article recently, my eye caught the news of a 12yr old girl and 13 years old boy who just had a baby.
Immediately, a barage of questions entered into my mind;

Did they really have sex @ that age?

Have they already attained the age of puberty?

How much did they know about parenting. ( they are barely children themselves)

Her dad who was in prison said he was proud of her;

Her mum was celebrating being the world's youngest grandmother,

And finally the most disturbing statement I read was that the next generation might grow up having partners and having kids with them, without getting married

It's obvious that in this generation we have a lot of things confused and if people don't start talking, we will end up in so much chaos and later begin to wonder how we got there.

Young people are confused about who they are, confused about their sexuality, confused about the dynamics of a relationship, confused about marriage and the world @ large.

With all these confusion, and the main stream media not helping, we are gradually going down a path our society might find it difficult to recover from.

Lust, likeness and love have all be muddled up & relationships wrongly defined leaving people broken and twisted.

A wise man once said that if "purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable"

Apparently a lot of people don't know the purpose of relationships/ marriage, so they end up abusing it.
Or tell me, if they did understand, how does a 12yr old girl end up becoming a mother?

For some people, relationship is an opportunity to bury their loneliness, build their world around another, or derive their identity form such a relationship.

This identity crises is what has twisted the way people think.

Relationship is not a call to flex or show your sexual prowess.

 Relationships ought to be mutually beneficial; not parasitic, nor exploitative.

Marriage asides the procreation mandate, is for companionship & partnership.
Don't get involved in this institution if you don't understand the dynamics.

A lot of the challenges in society today is wrought by dysfunctional individuals, who are products of a fracture home, marriages & relationships.

You are who you are, and it's not dependent on your relationships

Understand that there's a difference between like, love and lust.
When someone uses you to only meet and satisfy their desires, it's not love, it's lust.
Liking someone is not automatically equal to loving the person.
Love requires commitment,
Love demands sacrifice,
Love seeks the best interest of the other party,
And remember that sex does not equate love
In brevity, Lust, Like, & Love all have emotions, and if you ever want to know if love is somewhere in the midst of hemotion you are feeling for someone, ask your self the following;

1. Are you willing to be committed to this person
2. Are you willing to make sacrifies for this person
3. Do you constantly seek the best interest for this person
4. Would you still feel the same way if Sex wasn't in the equation
5. Would it matter if this person doesn't feel the same way about you?

Though tough, these questions are likely to help you clear the air as to what you're feeling for someone @ any point in time.
This list is not exhaustive, and love is not some subject you can examine in a lab, but to a large extent, after being married for almost a decade, these sieve tests can come in handy.

Eyitemi The HomeBuilder

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Twitter:@homebuilders012

Blog:www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com

Email: homebuilderssn@gmail.com

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AFFIRMATION THE FIRST LINE OF DEFENCE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

One of the worst things a woman can have asides nagging, is a critical spirit. A woman who sees no good in her husband or continues to see all the wrongs he does, can be said to have a critical spirit.

One of the major needs for a man is RESPECT & it's very difficult to respect a man you don't approve of. It's almost impossible to respect a man who according to your mental scorecard doesn't measure up.

To Affirm your husband means to constantly praise him, encourage him, make him feel good and most importantly make sure He knows that all his efforts can be seen, felt and appreciated.

I have discovered that husbands are not perfect neither are we as wives, but each times we affirm them they strive to do better.

A large portion of affairs are carried out by men whose wives are extremely critical of them.

 If all you do is make your husband know where he misses it, falls short or fails, he will gradually begin to retreat and seeks solace in places where he is affirmed or feels good.
That place might be work and unfortunately sometimes the arms of another woman.
I once read about a wives who constantly unleashed her venom of criticism at her husband. Every opportunity she got.

In her defense she felt that if she did that, he will be inspired to be a better man! But unfortunately the opposite happened. Day by day his confidence and ability as a husband continued to plummet until he finally checked out of the relationship emotionally.

Pastor Rick Warren once said that it takes no special intelligence to criticize; as a matter a fact even a fool can criticize; but it takes a lot to identify the good in people and acknowledge it.

It's amazing how much positivity is released into your marriage every time you affirm the man in your life and how much toxins you release into your marriage when you become critical of him.

Nobody wants to be reminded of their failures or limitations, (not even the critical wife herself) so you can hardly blame a man who avoids such an environment.

People don't crumble in day, neither does marriages. It's usually a slow process which in most cases the woman is oblivious to because she has her focus else where.

Men whose wives are very critical have a yearning and longing within them. They are lacking a basic need of acceptance and will swing towards where they get it from whether it's from work or a friendly colleague.

Now I'm not trying to excuse a man's infidelity, men are absolutely responsible for those choices, but you will be doing your marriage a whole lot of good if you deliberately, consciously and consistently affirm the man in your life.Affirmation is to a man what Validation is to woman.

 Do you know how it feels when your feelings are not validated as a woman?That's exactly how it feels when you constantly criticize and berate your man.

There's an adage in my place that says " whatever you have referred to as the head, should never be put on the ground" (translated)

Treat your husband with the respect and honour he deserves, so that people can accord the same to him.

For wives with kids, remember that you're the primary model of what a wife, mother and of a marriage should be like to them; model wisely.

Look out for those times when he does great things, encourage him to be the best he can be.
 Close your eyes to those times when he misses the goal or fall short.
Affirmation can be learned. The more you praise him for his achievements, the harder he'll strive to be better.Remember this;

---->When you use your words to build up and encourage your husband, you're giving him a strong line of defense against extramarital affairs.

---->When you are actively, aggressively, powerfully and positively affirming him and building him up @ home he becomes less vulnerable to others appreciation"

---->Your affirmation of your husband creates a zone of protection around him- because when you affirm him, you meets some of his most basic male needs"

Eyitemi The HomeBuilder

BBM:2B2D2806

Twitter:@homebuilders012

Blog :www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com

Email:homebuilderssn@gmail.com

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INFLUENCING CHANGE

Often time when I speak to young wives, I can deduce from what they tell me and what they don't that they desire to see a change in their husbands.

They talk more about what their husbands have failed to do and how much of themselves they are giving to make their relationship/marriage work.

Now I'm not judging these wives because I was once like that. As a matter of fact I dare say their feelings are valid based on their point of view at time.

Asides marriage, in life, it's relatively easy for you and I to see and point out what others are doing wrong, forgetting that we ourselves are still work in progress.

Indeed your husband might not be giving his best or doing his best in your marriage, but until you begin to change the way you see things, you cannot make things write.

In marriage when things are not going right, you almost readily identify the reasons why things are faulty and those reasons are found in your spouse -according to you.

I have heard wives say;

- if only he would spend more time with me
- if only he would listen more
-if only he would make more sacrifices for the family and so on

How often do you look into the mirror and tell yourself for example;

"if only I could stop criticizing him"

What I am sharing with you took years for me to learn ( and I learnt them the hard way); you'lll do your marriage a lot of good if you learn and apply in good time.

Matt 7:5 talks about removing the wood in our eyes before taking out the speck in your partners eyes.

There is no perfect husband ladies, neither is there a perfect wife. We all have shortcoming and most times we choose to close our eyes to them.

I once counseled a young wife who complained that her husband was not pulling his weight in the home front.

According to her, he does not concern himself with things around the house, he doesn't helpout with the baby and even when she asks for his opinion, he says whatever she decides is fine by him.

She was so upset while we spoke and as we slowly got into the conversation, it became clear why her husband was like that.

She was a kind of woman who was very quick to give it to her husband's when he didn't get things right.

She criticized his ability to do things right and in the end her husband felt inadequate and incompetent & as a result decided to back down.

In summary her constant criticism pushed her husband into his cave

Now if we did not reveal the depth of this situation in this young woman's marriage, she and whoever she cared to share her story with would see her as the Hero and her husband as the Villain

A number of times what we give, say or do determines the kind of response we evoke from our husbands.

Some of them we can identify on the spot, others we have to really think about.

 The next time, things are not panning out the way you want them to, first take a look within.

Now, there are times when you're not directly responsible what for goes wrong or what your spouse does, and @ times like that you have to rely on what the book of 1Peter 3:1-2 says.

We (wives) have been given the perfect recipe to evoke the changes we want to see in our husbands and marriages.

While you're busy praying to see your desired change, remember to model the changes you want to see .

 We are designed to influence our husband and evoke the changes we desire.

I remember the story of young woman I read sometime ago.This woman had just been told by her husband that he was leaving her for a colleague @ work. Imagine the shock she must have felt?

This woman did not shout, or vent out how she felt, rather she calmly told her husband to still please stay @ home until their 7 year old son finished his exams to avoid any form of distraction.

She also requested that he husband carry her from the room to the door every morning and give her a kiss every morning until their Son was through.

Reluctantly he agreed and even when he told his colleague what his wife had asked him to do, she laughed @ the idea calling the move desperate.

Desperate or not, over the next few weeks this man began to see his wife in a way he had never done all those years.
Every time he carried her, he saw a woman who had sacrificed and stayed true to him all these years,
He saw a woman who had Supported him and his dreams all through the years
He saw a woman who loved him so dearly and he began to fall in love with her over again.
@ the end of those weeks, her husband could no longer bring himself to leave her or end their marriage.
She had won him over.

Can you imagine what would have happened if she had gone ballistic on him the day he broke the news?
He probably would have packed his things same day.
Wives your words and action matters a lot.
Don't be too quick to pass judgments on your husbands when they fall short because it might just be from you.
And remember that prayer and positive role modeling can save your marriage from coming to an abrupt end.

Eyitemi The HomeBuilder
BBM:2B2D2806
Twitter:@homebuilders012
Blog :www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com
Email:homebuilderssn@gmail.com
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EXPECTATIONS VERSUS REALITY

One of the first major reality shocks that hit marriages, especially newly wedded couples is "Disappointment".You see, so many people enter into marriage with high hopes, a lot of expectation from the their partners and the future @ large & disappointment is what they feel when these hopes and expectations are not met.

For clarity's sake, expectation is what you hope something would turn out to be, and you & I know exactly how it feels when we had earlier hoped for doesn't come true.Over the years while you're still becoming that young lady or young man before marriage, you encounter a lot of people, events and experiences that shape your ideals, values, ethics and paradigm towards life- marriage inclusive.

Asides the "very -brief" counseling couple go through before marriage, most couples are ill- equipped for this life time journey. They enter into marriage with the knowledge they have gathered over the years.
What has been modeled to them by their parents,
What they have been told by friends,
What they have watched in the movies
What they have read in romance novels or magazines,

The list is endless and the truth is that these mediums are equips them wrongly or inadequately.Using myself as an example, my first and major ideas of marriage or what marriage should be like was was I saw being modeled to by parents.

Whether they knew it or not and whether they were deliberate about what I saw, I don't know; but I saw went a long way into molding my thoughts, ideals, values, paradigm and most importantly expectation from my future husbandAllow me @ this point to say this to any new and young parent who might be reading this now. Watch what you model before your children. Don't argue or exhibit violence before them because what they see is what they absorb, and ultimately consider as what marriage should be.

 In other words, whether your children will have a successful marriage, is dependent on what they see in their parents marriage ( to a large extent)Back to the subject matter; we enter into marriage with already set and molded expectation which are often in conflict with what our spouses believe and come in with.

When two people are dating or courting as the case maybe, most times they get carried away with romance, outing, gifts, butterfly in the belly like feeling they get that they often fail to address issues that are important.These issues are so important that it has the power to make or mar their marriages in the future.Being a life time commitment, it's very important to consider all angles before saying I do.

As a matter of fact, with the level of information available @ our beck and call, I believe this generation has what it needs to have very successful marriages. It just a shame that we do not take advantage of it.Let me share this with you, when I got married newly my husband and I ran into a lot of rough spots, due to the constant argument we always have.

I strongly believed back then that my husband no longer loved me and he felt the same way too. I held on to this deadly mindset until I learnt about love languages.

I realized later that as individuals we all have different love languages and if we do not know the love language of our partner, we would be tempted to show love to him/ her in our own language.My primary love language is physical touch & words of affirmation. I wanted my partner to hold my hands, hug me loads and affirm me with his words.While my husband primary appreciated "Acts of service" we did not understand this and as such as I spoke my own language to him, while he spoke his to me.

Now imagine how differently things could have turned out if we knew this before getting married. It would have saved us a whole lot of headache, crying, argument and stress we encountered early on.How could I expect my husband to love me the way I wanted to be loved when he did not know, and I did not tell him.

Think about this for a moment: how much of what you expect from your spouse does he/ she know?Until we begin to realize that our spouses are not mind readers, we will continue to have unmet expectations.

While still courting, talk to each other about what your idea of marriage is. Share your experiences, agree on how you would like things should be done.Knowing or having a clear idea of how you want your husband to behave towards you is not enough, especially when you stuff these expectations in your head.Expectations that go unspoken,are likely to remain unmet.

Thus without clear and specific guidance from you, expecting your husband to read your mind & and guess @ your hopes and begin to fulfill your childhood dreams is foolishness.The one way you can help your husband meet your expectations is by telling him what you hope for.

Don't keep mute in a relationship (married or still courting). Too many singles dating spend more time having Sex, instead of talking about what really matters.Don't be caught with your pants down, find out what your partners view about marriage is before committing(if you're still dating) and if you're married, cultivate the act of telling your spouse lovingly what you want, need or expect from him or your marriage.

Eyitemi The HomeBuilder
BBM:2B2D2806
Twitter:@homebuilders012
Blog :www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com
Email:homebuilderssn@gmail.com
Instagram: eyitemithehomebuilder
Google +: Eyitemi Adebowale

DEAR DIARY: (THE UNTANGLED KNOT)

Have you ever tried to undo a knot so tight that it drives you nuts? Well that was my experience today. I had tied my shoe lace so tightly and un-fastening it was becoming an ordeal of a life time.

The more I struggled with it, the more I found it difficult to undo this erroneous action of mine. After struggling for a while, I realized that the only way to put myself out of this misery was to cut through the tangled knot I had created.

It was a real "Aha aaa" moment for me as it suddenly dawned on me that my life could turn out as this "tangled knot" if proper precaution was not taken. As a single lady, there's a tendency to get involved in twisted relationships due to ignorance or lack of direction.

Relationships that You, I and the whole world know from inception isn't going to work. The further you go into that relationship, the more tangled you become, and the more difficult it is to untangle you

Relationships define us, they have the power to make or mar us and our dreams. Getting involved with the wrong persons can create so much damage which ripples down into every other domain of your life.

The story of a young lady comes to mind @ a time like this.

" Naomi was a full of life "A" student for whom the future held so much promise was. She was the ideal student, daughter and role model until she met Richard. The attraction was instant as the duo became an inseparable item. Everything seemed okay until Naomi began a downward spiral to her end. She began to skip classes, sell her personal items and that of others for money and ultimately became addicted to drugs and wild parties.

Every effort to get her life back on track proved abortive until the worst happened. Richard was killed during a drug raid and his death caused Naomi to sink into a depression that worsened her addiction.

The situation reached its height when Naomi was found lying down on the floor in her bathroom with a syringe in her hands. Naomi had overdone it and passed out.

She was rushed to the hospital, thankfully she survived , and is currently recuperating in a rehab centre.

It's been 2yrs since she began her journey to recovery and although she has since made a lot of progress, she is not where she ought to be. The story of Naomi can be likened to that of the shoe-lace I had to cut after failing to unfasten it. She was forcefully dis-entangled from that relationship but she was never the same.

Don't ever assume you alone can make things right in a relationship, especially when you're single & dating or courting as the case maybe. Why commence a relationship with a guy who takes weed, Indian hemp or even cocaine? He drag you into a world so deep, that you'll be buried alive with no hope of making it back to the surface again

Or hook up with a drunk, a violent person( who beats the living daylight out of you( even when you're not married- you'd most likely be dead before you say "I DO")

Open your pretty brown eyes, I beg of you and take a walk while you still can, before you become so tangled that it would only take an intervention to set you free.

The only way I ended up removing that shoe lace was by cutting it with a pair of scissors and as I looked @ the now cut shoelace, it was a real-time example of what happens afterwards.

For those who are lucky enough to come out of this tangling situation alive, they never return the same way. They often return broken and damaged but never the same as they were before they went it.

Some relationships are like that ; TANGLED KNOTS" and should not be embarked upon from the word go. Some mistakes are irreversible, leaving their scars long after the pain had healed.

Don't mess up your beautiful life by further complicating it with involvement in the wrong relationship.
Our lives are shaped and can be measured by the people in it.

If you get so tangled up and an attempt to breakfree becomes an uphill task, then know that you'll require nothing short an intervention to be free!!!

 

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