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For clarity's sake, expectation is what you hope something would turn out to be, and you & I know exactly how it feels when we had earlier hoped for doesn't come true.Over the years while you're still becoming that young lady or young man before marriage, you encounter a lot of people, events and experiences that shape your ideals, values, ethics and paradigm towards life- marriage inclusive.
Asides the "very -brief" counseling couple go through before marriage, most couples are ill- equipped for this life time journey. They enter into marriage with the knowledge they have gathered over the years.
What has been modeled to them by their parents,
What they have been told by friends,
What they have watched in the movies
What they have read in romance novels or magazines,
The list is endless and the truth is that these mediums are equips them wrongly or inadequately.Using myself as an example, my first and major ideas of marriage or what marriage should be like was was I saw being modeled to by parents.
Whether they knew it or not and whether they were deliberate about what I saw, I don't know; but I saw went a long way into molding my thoughts, ideals, values, paradigm and most importantly expectation from my future husbandAllow me @ this point to say this to any new and young parent who might be reading this now. Watch what you model before your children. Don't argue or exhibit violence before them because what they see is what they absorb, and ultimately consider as what marriage should be.
In other words, whether your children will have a successful marriage, is dependent on what they see in their parents marriage ( to a large extent)Back to the subject matter; we enter into marriage with already set and molded expectation which are often in conflict with what our spouses believe and come in with.
When two people are dating or courting as the case maybe, most times they get carried away with romance, outing, gifts, butterfly in the belly like feeling they get that they often fail to address issues that are important.These issues are so important that it has the power to make or mar their marriages in the future.Being a life time commitment, it's very important to consider all angles before saying I do.
As a matter of fact, with the level of information available @ our beck and call, I believe this generation has what it needs to have very successful marriages. It just a shame that we do not take advantage of it.Let me share this with you, when I got married newly my husband and I ran into a lot of rough spots, due to the constant argument we always have.
I strongly believed back then that my husband no longer loved me and he felt the same way too. I held on to this deadly mindset until I learnt about love languages.
I realized later that as individuals we all have different love languages and if we do not know the love language of our partner, we would be tempted to show love to him/ her in our own language.My primary love language is physical touch & words of affirmation. I wanted my partner to hold my hands, hug me loads and affirm me with his words.While my husband primary appreciated "Acts of service" we did not understand this and as such as I spoke my own language to him, while he spoke his to me.
Now imagine how differently things could have turned out if we knew this before getting married. It would have saved us a whole lot of headache, crying, argument and stress we encountered early on.How could I expect my husband to love me the way I wanted to be loved when he did not know, and I did not tell him.
Think about this for a moment: how much of what you expect from your spouse does he/ she know?Until we begin to realize that our spouses are not mind readers, we will continue to have unmet expectations.
While still courting, talk to each other about what your idea of marriage is. Share your experiences, agree on how you would like things should be done.Knowing or having a clear idea of how you want your husband to behave towards you is not enough, especially when you stuff these expectations in your head.Expectations that go unspoken,are likely to remain unmet.
Thus without clear and specific guidance from you, expecting your husband to read your mind & and guess @ your hopes and begin to fulfill your childhood dreams is foolishness.The one way you can help your husband meet your expectations is by telling him what you hope for.
Don't keep mute in a relationship (married or still courting). Too many singles dating spend more time having Sex, instead of talking about what really matters.Don't be caught with your pants down, find out what your partners view about marriage is before committing(if you're still dating) and if you're married, cultivate the act of telling your spouse lovingly what you want, need or expect from him or your marriage.
Eyitemi The HomeBuilder
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