LOOK TO THE CROSS

Last week, I began with our theme for this month "PERSEVERANCE & HOLDING ON TO YOUR MARRIAGE " and I established that yes your marriage might not be all that,  but if we can learn to focus on the right & positive things in our marriage and about our spouses, then our marriages stand a chance.  If you missed that article, visit www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com to read "IT'S WORTH KEEPING " This week,  I want to share the story of a woman who held on to her marriage & give you too reasons to HOLD ON. As you would come to see, 1.  this woman focused on the cross & God for her situation, (she refused to focus on her husbands wrong) 2. She "let go & let God ". To hold on to your marriage does not mean you should become a manipulative, vindictive, & judgemental woman trying to force a change in your spouse & marriage. It means you should lay the situation down at the cross & ask God to take over. It means you should lift your husband & marriage up at the alter of prayer for a change & victory ...... Below is the story of the young woman ........ you would need to visit the blog to conclude the story because of it's length....... I first want to say to all those that are hurting – I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH and I am so completely in agreement of the pain you’re experiencing. I also know however that WITH JESUS he can heal ALL WOUNDS. We may not be living the way WE want to in the present moment but God has a plan and it’s perfect. He’s not a magician. We don’t get to pray and then POOF our problems magically disappear but He WILL do what He says he will. God says he will never forsake us and he will help us THROUGH our circumstances. Not over them. Not under them. THROUGH THEM. God wants us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). The problem is what we really want Him to do is hear our prayers and then act on them according to our timetable, our rules and our script. God is using this time while our spouse is away to REFINE US. He wants us to TAKE OUR EYES off of our spouse. To take our eyes OFF OUR CIRCUMSTANCE and have FAITH and TRUST HIM that He will do what he says He will do. Hebrews 11:1 says: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. While we stand, while we wait, we don’t SEE changes. We don’t SEE God working but He is and we’re having faith and believing and KNOWING that God is doing what He says He will. That’s faith! I am praying that what I share, that with the blessing God has given me and wants to give everyone that through Jesus, I will touch someone and solidify what God wants from us. We, us, people, we are like the ISRAELITES. God delivered them from slavery and promised them safe arrival in THE PROMISED LAND. It was ONLY AN ELEVEN DAY JOURNEY. Instead it took them FORTY YEARS TO GET THERE! Why? They grumbled! They complained! They put everything else before God. They had just been delivered from darkness and were still complaining about what they didn’t have because things were not as they wanted. So God let them wander. Isn’t that like us today? Blinded by sin whether it’s pornography, gambling, adultery, sexual immorality, greed, fornication, lying, stealing, drugs, disrespecting our spouses, not loving our spouses, holding grudges, not forgiving? My husband was in OBVIOUS sin but I was a sinner too, my sin was just hidden behind closed doors and I didn’t even know it was sin! I complained to anyone who would listen about what my spouse was doing. I was mad! I had resentment and bitterness. Let me tell you, forgiveness is like CANCER it spreads and what it breeds will spiritually kill you. My dad walked out on my mom and she is STILL bitter, still resentful and that was over 19 years ago. I was headed down that same path, more consumed by what my spouse was doing to me then letting it all go and letting God heal me. Let me share. In 2009 my husband just after our 15th anniversary had a VERBAL BLOW UP. We were having a minor disagreement and BAM out of nowhere he let out an explosive verbal assault on things I had never heard from him before. He didn’t want to die an average man doing average things. WHAT? His life was boring and he was sick of the routine. WELL WHO ISN’T AT TIMES? He noticed how I was more of a mother than a wife. SAY WHAT? Visit http://eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com/2013/02/how-to-hold-on.html  to read up. He felt like something was missing and didn’t know what. I didn’t know at the time of this verbal assault (that lasted 3 hours) it was directed at ME. He wasn’t happy with me! He felt average WITH ME. He thought something was missing and *I* couldn’t fill it. I did not know that my husband was already imagining having an affair at this time. I didn’t know at this time that thoughts were already in his head about pursuing someone other than me. An affair starts IN THE MIND. It starts slow and builds. A person has lust in their heart sometimes and it grows until they act on it. Some people have had it growing from as far back as their childhood; they may have been sexually abused or grew up in a home with pornography in a parent or a family member. Some people like my spouse harbor unexpressed feelings for years. My husband grew up in an emotionally repressed home. His mother was manipulative and vindictive and he wasn’t allowed to speak up/out against things that bothered him. I did not know this until now. I always thought my husband was laid back and went with the flow. I didn’t know all the years we were married that my husband craved an emotionally SOUND environment free of confrontation and belittlement and that he craved affection (his mother never expresses any even now). Combine that with me and my childhood issues of having a father emotionally distant to his family and a mother, sister and brother who was very sensitive and craving his attention and often winding up on the floor in a blubbering mess, I vowed to NEVER be sensitive to ALWAYS speak up and speak out and to SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. An explosion waiting to happen right? My spouse (and a lot of our spouses here) start building someone else up in their minds. That person becomes ALL THAT THEY THINK WE ARE NOT (and maybe we haven’t been.) I had grown to become resentful of my husband the last 4-5 years. He never defended me when his mother lashed out at me or tried to do something vindictive to me. I took him not speaking up for me as a sign of weakness which was what? A flashback to my childhood and NO ONE was going to have me under their thumb so I started believing in my mind that my husband did not even DESERVE my respect. God calls wives to respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33) I didn’t. I started holding back affection too. I build up in my mind that since he couldn’t do what I wanted him to do then I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. Oh how wrong was my thinking! My husband wasn’t weak; he just never learned that expressing himself was HEALTHY and that some confrontations are GOOD. He held everything inside until it manifested out loud because God says what we think on we act and do. My husband started believing after 15 years and never so much as looking twice at another woman that he couldn’t get what he craved from me so he looked elsewhere. Once our spouses build someone else up in their minds, we get torn down in their hearts and they believe that person is what they need, want, deserve. After a few months I found some emails of my husband flirting with another woman online. She commented on photos of his family saying “you have a beautiful family” and then promptly sent him a link to photos of her on the beach! I knew he had never met the person but they were having some sort of online flirt fest. I was so hurt and wounded. My husband was mortified! We cried together all day he was so upset he did what he did, I was so shocked and I believed him when he said nothing had happened. He even called her on the phone in front of me and broke off all ties. I was relieved and thought if this is our only down in 15 years I could live with it. Well, guess what? The thoughts were still there about him not being happy. The enemy was still putting in his head that he could never find happiness here with me so Satan dropped someone else not much longer that was also online. This person was more than willing to be the other woman. I knew nothing. This affair was basically going on under my nose. Oh the betrayal! I had no idea. I found out by accident of course and immediately said I wanted a divorce. He denied it but I had proof and so eventually he relented and said yes he did. He looked stuck but didn’t say he would stop which was fine with me, I wanted out. I was so mortified and so shocked I went the very next day to get on anti-anxiety meds. I thought the tears would never stop. I also went to see a Christian counselor and she said “what if this one thing was the worst there is in all the years of marriage you’ve had?” I thought about that and told my H I would give him another chance and forgive him. He said “thank you but I’m still going to talk to this other person.” WHAT? Oh my GOSH I’m wounded and bleeding here and I’m telling you I will give you a second chance and you throw that back at me? Unbelievable I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe it. We were almost at 16 years now and He was choosing the affair over his wife? I lashed out, begged, pleaded, condemned, verbally abused and physically lashed out at my husband for a month! He was still in the house and I would catch him texting this person or going outside to text or chat with. I couldn’t take the blatant disrespect. I could not believe who my husband had turned into. It was like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I didn’t know him anymore it seemed. Someone had taken him captive (and it was – Satan had taken him captive – 2 Timothy 2:26). I even asked him do you still love me. He said yes but I’m not IN love with you. Ouch. Some days he was in tears over what he was doing other times he was aloof distant and arrogant almost. It was surreal to watch, After a month of that, he left. He said “this isn’t working for me” and left. I said “well of course it’s not working, you’re still pursuing the affair!” and I physically lashed out again for one good measure. Ticked off is not the word. I felt rejected and treated like garbage. I was obsessed with thinking of how I could get even. I figured out who the other person was and contemplated about sending them a nasty email. I wanted EVERYONE to know what had been done to me and I wanted him to feel HORRIBLE. I kept hearing a voice saying “I’m not done with you both yet.” I didn’t know at the time God was trying to get my attention but because I was so focused on being revengeful and focusing on what had occurred, I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t WANT to pay attention. I started going online to the midlife crisis forums and venting there about what was happening and found out about Rejoice Ministries. I did not want to hear anything they said either. I just wanted to make my husband pay for what he did to me. About   this time my husband has moved out and I really almost had an emotional breakdown.  Everything he took with him left a gaping hole where things had once been. Our home did not feel like a home and our kids were so affected (another fuel to my anger) and hurt and sad. My husband’s blinders were on so tight he wouldn’t even talk to me about their pain.  He was still very much a part of their lives but he would not talk about what was happening to them (the guilt was too overwhelming to do so).  Emotions were off limits and he tried to pretend that things would get better with time. At this time I’m starting my stand. I put my ring back on and I laid my husband at the foot of the cross and took my hands off him.  I knew God would bring him home, not me or my attempts to guilt him into waking up. I was reading my bible and praying throughout the day and even praying and sharing with our children that God would restore our family and that they’d witness the power of prayer. I went back to everyone I had ever said anything negative to about my spouse and told them to pray for us and him and that God was going to do a miracle.  I decided  to not listen to what the world says  which is “move on, you deserve  someone else, people can’t change unless  they want to” and listen to  God and trust Him that He’d touch my husband  and heal him. God gave me so many signs to keep standing. On rejoice ministries people talk of seeing a COVENANT truck as a sign of encouragement to stand for their covenant spouse. I looked up the company and realized I’d never see one as they don’t travel through my area.  It was about 2 weeks later when I saw a red truck pulling a long white trailer. I was waiting to turn right at a corner and they were turning left ever so slowly. I was annoyed. I had to wait for this longgggggggg Ford truck to turn pulling this longgggggggg white trailer.   When they finally got fully around I pulled behind them at the light.  I burst out laughing out loud; the back of the trailer was completely bare with nothing on it but the word COVENANT at the bottom. I just put my hands up and praised God for the sign. Every time I saw my spouse I was hoping to see his ring back on. I never did.  He was polite but kept his distance when around me. I noticed new clothing, a new style of dress.  He often would not meet my eyes and would come over and leave so quickly at times. Other times he’d take 20 minutes to get out the door.  I always thought it was because he was thinking of asking to have something else to take out of the house. Now I know otherwise. A   letter came in the mail – he had withdrawn money from his 401k.  I was   LIVID! I wanted to pick up the phone and confront him because I didn’t   know if we were going to divorce and that 401k money was partly mine   legally but God placed it on my heart TO BE STILL so I kept quiet.   Father’s Day was coming. I didn’t know what to do.  He had the kids for   the weekend so I prayed about giving him a card.  God gave me peace   about doing so and so I put his card in one of the kids’ overnight bags.   He contacted me and said thank you for the card. I was shocked.   I was going to church that Sunday and asked if he wanted to meet me there with the kids. He agreed.  DOUBLE SHOCKED.  He came to church with the kids and wow, when God wants to get a message to you he will get it to you. The sermon was on THE PRODIGAL SON and they speaker spoke about how there are so many prodigals out there. Children who have left their homes to run away and FATHERS & MOTHERS WHO HAVE LEFT THEIR FAMILIES TO PURSUE SEXUAL IMMORALITY.  WOW talk about an uncomfortable service! LOL my husband was sitting next to me, we looked like a happy family if you didn’t know what was going on but he was fidgeting the entire time. I invited him over for 4th of July. He declined and sent me a visitation schedule for the month and said maybe this would help make a smooth transition so we’d have less contact.  My heart sank. Because of the kids we had a lot of contact, now it seemed we would not.  I still knew God would do what he wanted to do.  Our 16th anniversary came and the Holy Spirit told me “get him a card” I prayed for God to help me find the perfect card and have never looked so hard for one in all my life. I think I visited 3 Hallmark stores and went to 2 different Targets and a Papyrus! LOL I finally found the “perfect card” and when I went to check-out, the cashier read the card, I remember thinking “how RUDE!” and then she said “wow this is the perfect card!” Wow, thank you God for confirming that for me. I sent him a text and asked if he could meet me in the parking lot of his apartment and gave him the card.  He had nothing for me but I had prayed that God would send 10 prodigals home in lieu of my spouse having something for me for our anniversary.   About 20 min later he sent me a text and said Happy Anniversary . Thank you, I didn’t forget.  A week later he asked me out. It’s been almost 7m now since that date and slowly but surely things are coming out.  My H often says “I think back to last summer and I just shake my head.” I even asked him once something he said that was particularly painful and he said ‘I said that? When?”,  It’s like he doesn’t even remember which  fortifies  what they say at Rejoice Ministries, Satan is their mouthpiece  when  they’re in sin. My H as told me about 3 times a week (it was every day at first) “thank you for standing in the gap” and   “I’m so glad I’m home.”  He said he had no peace and there was a   constant chatter in his head.  I asked him when he knew he should be at home and he said “as soon as I left but I was too prideful to return right away.”  Just recently (and I might have shared this in another post) he said “I am so sorry I fell prey to the deceit of believing what I had with someone else I didn’t have with you. It took me hitting the ground off the slippery slope to realize I already had that x100.” Wow. God wants to speak to you. He won’t tell you EVERYTHING because His ways are not our ways but He will give you insight. I remember when my spouse was gone, the Holy Spirit told me, “he will not return longing or craving or missing the other person but he will return full of guilt and shame.” I almost fell out of my chair one day when my husband said out the blue, “I hope you know I’m not missing craving or longing to be with.  And oh boy did he have shame. I think the first 60 days he sat around the house like a deer in headlights. He looked shell shocked. It was heartbreaking to see. I share this not to brag, oh no.   Not at all. I pray no one feels that way. I share this because I know this is a testimony for others to gain strength from and stand just the way others testimonies have done for me.  My testimony does not match theirs and yours will not match mine. It will be unique and different so it will reach people who need to hear what you went through.  I can honestly say with all my heart I would go back to day one just to get where I am with God now. I was a Christian before but I was a baby Christian. I did not   know God’s word; I did not really know what God could or would do. I did not know God would speak to me. I did not really know that God has a plan for me even in the midst of my pain and confusion. That he would work out all the kinks and straighten it all out. Not in my timing and not my way but in His way and his way is PERFECT. For  I  know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to  prosper  you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  …  Jeremiah 29:11 I pray this testimony will be a blessing to someone.  I leave you with my favorite scripture Proverbs 3:5-7 and a prayer I prayed every day because I wanted God to fight this battle for me in the spiritual realm: Psalm 35. Also Google “marriage restoration prayers” there are many out there already written up that you can pray with your spouses name in them with scripture.   Pray Hosea 2:6 over your spouses caught in the deception of adultery.   Ask God to strengthen the hedge and to bound God’s commandments around their neck and write it in their hearts. To watch over them when they’re sleeping and guide them during the day. Trust and know God is doing it.  He goes after his lost sheep and who is more lost than a prodigal spouse? 1 Peter 5:8 says: “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He wants to devour families and marriages. Stand alert! Put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) over yourself, your spouse and your children. Blessings to you all.

PERSEVERANCE CONTINUED

"Perseverance is the hardwork you do after you get tired of doing the hardwork you already did "(Newt Gingrich) -----> Perseverance produces understanding. What you don't stick with you will never understand. There's always a pattern to everything, there is a pattern to your marriage, your wife & your husband. All you need to do is stick long enough to discover it. I discovered from personal experience that PERSEVERANCE BIRTHS UNDERSTANDING. Visit www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com for our previous write ups on Holding on to that marriage ..... and read the story of a woman who held on long enough to secure victory http://eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com/2013/02/how-to-hold-on.html&#160 Tomorrow is our When Women Pray (WWP)  session, remember to send in your prayer points to homebuilderssn@gmail.com or if there's a family or marriage you want us to interceed for. To join the WWP & become an intercessor, send a mail to the above mail address..... Eyitemi Adebowale is an author, public speaker and a relationship /marriage coach working with Single Women and Young Wives who are new to the home building process. She is the Founder of HOME BUILDERS INTERNATIONAL whose vision is to build homes one wise woman at a time. She’s also a lifestyle writer for naija parrots. She is happily married to Adesoji Adebowale and they are blessed with a child. For more of our articles visit www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com and register your email address to receive our updates in your box For questions, enquiries, or comments, send a mail to homebuilderssn@gmail.com You can also follow on twitter @homebuilders012 ® Home Builders International                              ........preserve, prepare and build

HOW TO HOLD ON

Last week, I began with our theme for this month "PERSEVERANCE & HOLDING ON TO YOUR MARRIAGE " and I established that yes your marriage might not be all that,  but if we can learn to focus on the right & positive things in our marriage and about our spouses, then our marriages stand a chance.  If you missed that article, visit www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com to read "IT'S WORTH KEEPING " This week,  I want to share the story of a woman who held on to her marriage & give you too reasons to HOLD ON. As you would come to see, 1.  this woman focused on the cross & God for her situation, (she refused to focus on her husbands wrong) 2. She "let go & let God ". To hold on to your marriage does not mean you should become a manipulative, vindictive, & judgemental woman trying to force a change in your spouse & marriage. It means you should lay the situation down at the cross & ask God to take over. It means you should lift your husband & marriage up at the alter of prayer for a change & victory ...... Below is the story of the young woman ........ you would need to visit the blog to conclude the story because of it's lenght......... I first want to say to all those that are hurting – I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH and I am so completely in agreement of the pain you’re experiencing. I also know however that WITH JESUS he can heal ALL WOUNDS. We may not be living the way WE want to in the present moment but God has a plan and it’s perfect. He’s not a magician. We don’t get to pray and then POOF our problems magically disappear but He WILL do what He says he will. God says he will never forsake us and he will help us THROUGH our circumstances. Not over them. Not under them. THROUGH THEM. God wants us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). The problem is what we really want Him to do is hear our prayers and then act on them according to our timetable, our rules and our script. God is using this time while our spouse is away to REFINE US. He wants us to TAKE OUR EYES off of our spouse. To take our eyes OFF OUR CIRCUMSTANCE and have FAITH and TRUST HIM that He will do what he says He will do. Hebrews 11:1 says: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. While we stand, while we wait, we don’t SEE changes. We don’t SEE God working but He is and we’re having faith and believing and KNOWING that God is doing what He says He will. That’s faith! I am praying that what I share, that with the blessing God has given me and wants to give everyone that through Jesus, I will touch someone and solidify what God wants from us. We, us, people, we are like the ISRAELITES. God delivered them from slavery and promised them safe arrival in THE PROMISED LAND. It was ONLY AN ELEVEN DAY JOURNEY. Instead it took them FORTY YEARS TO GET THERE! Why? They grumbled! They complained! They put everything else before God. They had just been delivered from darkness and were still complaining about what they didn’t have because things were not as they wanted. So God let them wander. Isn’t that like us today? Blinded by sin whether it’s pornography, gambling, adultery, sexual immorality, greed, fornication, lying, stealing, drugs, disrespecting our spouses, not loving our spouses, holding grudges, not forgiving? My husband was in OBVIOUS sin but I was a sinner too, my sin was just hidden behind closed doors and I didn’t even know it was sin! I complained to anyone who would listen about what my spouse was doing. I was mad! I had resentment and bitterness. Let me tell you, forgiveness is like CANCER it spreads and what it breeds will spiritually kill you. My dad walked out on my mom and she is STILL bitter, still resentful and that was over 19 years ago. I was headed down that same path, more consumed by what my spouse was doing to me then letting it all go and letting God heal me. Let me share. In 2009 my husband just after our 15th anniversary had a VERBAL BLOW UP. We were having a minor disagreement and BAM out of nowhere he let out an explosive verbal assault on things I had never heard from him before. He didn’t want to die an average man doing average things. WHAT? His life was boring and he was sick of the routine. WELL WHO ISN’T AT TIMES? He noticed how I was more of a mother than a wife. SAY WHAT? He felt like something was missing and didn’t know what. I didn’t know at the time of this verbal assault (that lasted 3 hours) it was directed at ME. He wasn’t happy with me! He felt average WITH ME. He thought something was missing and *I* couldn’t fill it. I did not know that my husband was already imagining having an affair at this time. I didn’t know at this time that thoughts were already in his head about pursuing someone other than me. An affair starts IN THE MIND. It starts slow and builds. A person has lust in their heart sometimes and it grows until they act on it. Some people have had it growing from as far back as their childhood; they may have been sexually abused or grew up in a home with pornography in a parent or a family member. Some people like my spouse harbor unexpressed feelings for years. My husband grew up in an emotionally repressed home. His mother was manipulative and vindictive and he wasn’t allowed to speak up/out against things that bothered him. I did not know this until now. I always thought my husband was laid back and went with the flow. I didn’t know all the years we were married that my husband craved an emotionally SOUND environment free of confrontation and belittlement and that he craved affection (his mother never expresses any even now). Combine that with me and my childhood issues of having a father emotionally distant to his family and a mother, sister and brother who was very sensitive and craving his attention and often winding up on the floor in a blubbering mess, I vowed to NEVER be sensitive to ALWAYS speak up and speak out and to SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. An explosion waiting to happen right? My spouse (and a lot of our spouses here) start building someone else up in their minds. That person becomes ALL THAT THEY THINK WE ARE NOT (and maybe we haven’t been.) I had grown to become resentful of my husband the last 4-5 years. He never defended me when his mother lashed out at me or tried to do something vindictive to me. I took him not speaking up for me as a sign of weakness which was what? A flashback to my childhood and NO ONE was going to have me under their thumb so I started believing in my mind that my husband did not even DESERVE my respect. God calls wives to respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33) I didn’t. I started holding back affection too. I build up in my mind that since he couldn’t do what I wanted him to do then I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. Oh how wrong was my thinking! My husband wasn’t weak; he just never learned that expressing himself was HEALTHY and that some confrontations are GOOD. He held everything inside until it manifested out loud because God says what we think on we act and do. My husband started believing after 15 years and never so much as looking twice at another woman that he couldn’t get what he craved from me so he looked elsewhere. Once our spouses build someone else up in their minds, we get torn down in their hearts and they believe that person is what they need, want, deserve. After a few months I found some emails of my husband flirting with another woman online. She commented on photos of his family saying “you have a beautiful family” and then promptly sent him a link to photos of her on the beach! I knew he had never met the person but they were having some sort of online flirt fest. I was so hurt and wounded. My husband was mortified! We cried together all day he was so upset he did what he did, I was so shocked and I believed him when he said nothing had happened. He even called her on the phone in front of me and broke off all ties. I was relieved and thought if this is our only down in 15 years I could live with it. Well, guess what? The thoughts were still there about him not being happy. The enemy was still putting in his head that he could never find happiness here with me so Satan dropped someone else not much longer that was also online. This person was more than willing to be the other woman. I knew nothing. This affair was basically going on under my nose. Oh the betrayal! I had no idea. I found out by accident of course and immediately said I wanted a divorce. He denied it but I had proof and so eventually he relented and said yes he did. He looked stuck but didn’t say he would stop which was fine with me, I wanted out. I was so mortified and so shocked I went the very next day to get on anti-anxiety meds. I thought the tears would never stop. I also went to see a Christian counselor and she said “what if this one thing was the worst there is in all the years of marriage you’ve had?” I thought about that and told my H I would give him another chance and forgive him. He said “thank you but I’m still going to talk to this other person.” WHAT? Oh my GOSH I’m wounded and bleeding here and I’m telling you I will give you a second chance and you throw that back at me? Unbelievable I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe it. We were almost at 16 years now and He was choosing the affair over his wife? I lashed out, begged, pleaded, condemned, verbally abused and physically lashed out at my husband for a month! He was still in the house and I would catch him texting this person or going outside to text or chat with. I couldn’t take the blatant disrespect. I could not believe who my husband had turned into. It was like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I didn’t know him anymore it seemed. Someone had taken him captive (and it was – Satan had taken him captive – 2 Timothy 2:26). I even asked him do you still love me. He said yes but I’m not IN love with you. Ouch. Some days he was in tears over what he was doing other times he was aloof distant and arrogant almost. It was surreal to watch, After a month of that, he left. He said “this isn’t working for me” and left. I said “well of course it’s not working, you’re still pursuing the affair!” and I physically lashed out again for one good measure. Ticked off is not the word. I felt rejected and treated like garbage. I was obsessed with thinking of how I could get even. I figured out who the other person was and contemplated about sending them a nasty email. I wanted EVERYONE to know what had been done to me and I wanted him to feel HORRIBLE. I kept hearing a voice saying “I’m not done with you both yet.” I didn’t know at the time God was trying to get my attention but because I was so focused on being revengeful and focusing on what had occurred, I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t WANT to pay attention. I started going online to the midlife crisis forums and venting there about what was happening and found out about Rejoice Ministries. I did not want to hear anything they said either. I just wanted to make my husband pay for what he did to me. About   this time my husband has moved out and I really almost had an emotional breakdown.  Everything he took with him left a gaping hole where things had once been. Our home did not feel like a home and our kids were so affected (another fuel to my anger) and hurt and sad. My husband’s blinders were on so tight he wouldn’t even talk to me about their pain.  He was still very much a part of their lives but he would not talk about what was happening to them (the guilt was too overwhelming to do so).  Emotions were off limits and he tried to pretend that things would get better with time. At this time I’m starting my stand. I put my ring back on and I laid my husband at the foot of the cross and took my hands off him.  I knew God would bring him home, not me or my attempts to guilt him into waking up. I was reading my bible and praying throughout the day and even praying and sharing with our children that God would restore our family and that they’d witness the power of prayer. I went back to everyone I had ever said anything negative to about my spouse and told them to pray for us and him and that God was going to do a miracle.  I decided  to not listen to what the world says  which is “move on, you deserve  someone else, people can’t change unless  they want to” and listen to  God and trust Him that He’d touch my husband  and heal him. God gave me so many signs to keep standing. On rejoice ministries people talk of seeing a COVENANT truck as a sign of encouragement to stand for their covenant spouse. I looked up the company and realized I’d never see one as they don’t travel through my area.  It was about 2 weeks later when I saw a red truck pulling a long white trailer. I was waiting to turn right at a corner and they were turning left ever so slowly. I was annoyed. I had to wait for this longgggggggg Ford truck to turn pulling this longgggggggg white trailer.   When they finally got fully around I pulled behind them at the light.  I burst out laughing out loud; the back of the trailer was completely bare with nothing on it but the word COVENANT at the bottom. I just put my hands up and praised God for the sign. Every time I saw my spouse I was hoping to see his ring back on. I never did.  He was polite but kept his distance when around me. I noticed new clothing, a new style of dress.  He often would not meet my eyes and would come over and leave so quickly at times. Other times he’d take 20 minutes to get out the door.  I always thought it was because he was thinking of asking to have something else to take out of the house. Now I know otherwise. A   letter came in the mail – he had withdrawn money from his 401k.  I was   LIVID! I wanted to pick up the phone and confront him because I didn’t   know if we were going to divorce and that 401k money was partly mine   legally but God placed it on my heart TO BE STILL so I kept quiet.   Father’s Day was coming. I didn’t know what to do.  He had the kids for   the weekend so I prayed about giving him a card.  God gave me peace   about doing so and so I put his card in one of the kids’ overnight bags.   He contacted me and said thank you for the card. I was shocked.   I was going to church that Sunday and asked if he wanted to meet me there with the kids. He agreed.  DOUBLE SHOCKED.  He came to church with the kids and wow, when God wants to get a message to you he will get it to you. The sermon was on THE PRODIGAL SON and they speaker spoke about how there are so many prodigals out there. Children who have left their homes to run away and FATHERS & MOTHERS WHO HAVE LEFT THEIR FAMILIES TO PURSUE SEXUAL IMMORALITY.  WOW talk about an uncomfortable service! LOL my husband was sitting next to me, we looked like a happy family if you didn’t know what was going on but he was fidgeting the entire time. I invited him over for 4th of July. He declined and sent me a visitation schedule for the month and said maybe this would help make a smooth transition so we’d have less contact.  My heart sank. Because of the kids we had a lot of contact, now it seemed we would not.  I still knew God would do what he wanted to do.  Our 16th anniversary came and the Holy Spirit told me “get him a card” I prayed for God to help me find the perfect card and have never looked so hard for one in all my life. I think I visited 3 Hallmark stores and went to 2 different Targets and a Papyrus! LOL I finally found the “perfect card” and when I went to check-out, the cashier read the card, I remember thinking “how RUDE!” and then she said “wow this is the perfect card!” Wow, thank you God for confirming that for me. I sent him a text and asked if he could meet me in the parking lot of his apartment and gave him the card.  He had nothing for me but I had prayed that God would send 10 prodigals home in lieu of my spouse having something for me for our anniversary.   About 20 min later he sent me a text and said Happy Anniversary . Thank you, I didn’t forget.  A week later he asked me out. It’s been almost 7m now since that date and slowly but surely things are coming out.  My H often says “I think back to last summer and I just shake my head.” I even asked him once something he said that was particularly painful and he said ‘I said that? When?”,  It’s like he doesn’t even remember which  fortifies  what they say at Rejoice Ministries, Satan is their mouthpiece  when  they’re in sin. My H as told me about 3 times a week (it was every day at first) “thank you for standing in the gap” and   “I’m so glad I’m home.”  He said he had no peace and there was a   constant chatter in his head.  I asked him when he knew he should be at home and he said “as soon as I left but I was too prideful to return right away.”  Just recently (and I might have shared this in another post) he said “I am so sorry I fell prey to the deceit of believing what I had with someone else I didn’t have with you. It took me hitting the ground off the slippery slope to realize I already had that x100.” Wow. God wants to speak to you. He won’t tell you EVERYTHING because His ways are not our ways but He will give you insight. I remember when my spouse was gone, the Holy Spirit told me, “he will not return longing or craving or missing the other person but he will return full of guilt and shame.” I almost fell out of my chair one day when my husband said out the blue, “I hope you know I’m not missing craving or longing to be with.  And oh boy did he have shame. I think the first 60 days he sat around the house like a deer in headlights. He looked shell shocked. It was heartbreaking to see. I share this not to brag, oh no.   Not at all. I pray no one feels that way. I share this because I know this is a testimony for others to gain strength from and stand just the way others testimonies have done for me.  My testimony does not match theirs and yours will not match mine. It will be unique and different so it will reach people who need to hear what you went through.  I can honestly say with all my heart I would go back to day one just to get where I am with God now. I was a Christian before but I was a baby Christian. I did not   know God’s word; I did not really know what God could or would do. I did not know God would speak to me. I did not really know that God has a plan for me even in the midst of my pain and confusion. That he would work out all the kinks and straighten it all out. Not in my timing and not my way but in His way and his way is PERFECT. For  I  know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to  prosper  you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  …  Jeremiah 29:11 I pray this testimony will be a blessing to someone.  I leave you with my favorite scripture Proverbs 3:5-7 and a prayer I prayed every day because I wanted God to fight this battle for me in the spiritual realm: Psalm 35. Also Google “marriage restoration prayers” there are many out there already written up that you can pray with your spouses name in them with scripture.   Pray Hosea 2:6 over your spouses caught in the deception of adultery.   Ask God to strengthen the hedge and to bound God’s commandments around their neck and write it in their hearts. To watch over them when they’re sleeping and guide them during the day. Trust and know God is doing it.  He goes after his lost sheep and who is more lost than a prodigal spouse? 1 Peter 5:8 says: “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He wants to devour families and marriages. Stand alert! Put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) over yourself, your spouse and your children. Blessings to you all.

IT'S WORTH KEEPING

    IT’S WORTH KEEPING     “A cluster of grapes that produces wine is worth keeping………I won’t destroy everyone”(CEV)….                              Psalm 65:8    “The way I see it, if you want RAINBOW; you’ve got put up with the RAIN” Dolly Parton Try this experiment someday. When a situation arises that makes you so mad at your partner, take a moment, pause and think about one or two good/positive things about that spouse of yours. I don’t know about you but each time I tried this method, it makes me less mad or upset about what my spouse has done. An adage in Yoruba says that “simply because the baby is bad, does not mean we should throw the baby away with the bath water”. The reason why the bads and negatives seem so amplified in your relationship/marriage is because you have chosen to focus on them. As a given, marriage is journey with trails and triumph; it’s a school with lessons, experiences and successes. Ask anybody who has been, married long enough and they will tell you that marriage is like fine wine, it gets better over time. For your marriage/ relationship to last and stand over time, the number one thing you need to learn how to do is to FOCUS RIGTHLY & HOLD ON. The scripture referenced above says that a cluster of grapes that keeps producing wine is worth keeping. The key word here is THAT KEEPS PRODUCING WINE. That spouse of yours might have some negative traits I him, but you can’t deny that there is something good in him or about him. Your marriage might not be perfect, but there are still good things about that relationship. The goal like I said is to identify those clusters of grapes that are still producing wine in your relationship and hold on for those reasons. The truth is that there is no birthing without labour; there can be no rainbow without rain & certainly there are no testimonies without trails. I remember a scene in the movie WHY DID I GET MARRIED by Tyler Perry where 2 women were sick and tired of their husbands. They sought the counsel of a friend who gave them a wonderful activity to carry out. The women were given a piece of paper each and asked to list the good thing about their husbands on one side and the negatives on the other side. As they worked on it, they discovered that husband goods outweighed the bad and of course they went back home to make amends Of course, I’m aware that holding on is not the easiest thing to do, neither is it impossible too. Except the situation in your marriage /relationship is one that poses a threat to the life and safety of you and your kids, don’t give up too quickly. What you see, and what you focus on determines your actions ultimately. Take your eyes away from the negatives, look for the good, look for those grapes that are still producing wine, FOCUS on them; it will get you through. Join me next week as we continue to look at reasons why you should hold on to that marriage/ relationship of yours. Eyitemi Adebowale is an author, public speaker and a relationship /marriage coach working with Single Women and Young Wives who are new to the home building process. She is the Founder of HOME BUILDERS INTERNATIONAL whose vision is to build homes one wise woman at a time. She’s also a lifestyle writer for naija parrots. She is happily married to Adesoji Adebowale and they are blessed with a child. For more of our articles visit www.eyitemithehomebuilder.blogspot.com and register your email address to receive our updates in your box For questions, enquiries, or comments, send a mail to homebuilderssn@gmail.com You can also follow on twitter @homebuilders012